Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Random acts of Randomess

As you can tell I am diligently trying to get back in the type of things with this blogging.  A internet blog mishap has made me weary and well the twin went from one year olds to Two year old and somewhere in between my wife and I were simultaneously laid off ans had some MAJOR relationship strife.  Somewhere along all that I feel i may have lost my mind or just small chunks of it .. because I can remember anything ??? My wife swears it was my 1 year stent working graveyards while trying to be a 911 dispatcher.  I dont know exactly but a lot of it is a blur.  Anyhow, i am trying to re-animate my blogging skills. Most of you you know I can TALK, Talk, Talk ... and go on.

Today, I was watching the girls play at one of their favorite indoor play place and a few thing happened.  One was I realized I was a tad TAD bit sad as I watched all the Mommies have their play dates and they sa and talked and many had new babies. For a second I felt sad/bad because I don't have that type of friend ships with people. I want it, but people just seem to disappoint me most of the time.  I am not a loner or a looser but my kids don't have a present "Antie" and I am not "Antie" to anyone and this kid of bums me out.
I'm super friendly and very open  and loyal but yet i just don't have friends in that capacity.   I am pretty butch looking and maybe that has something to do with it I dunno.

The next thing that happens was that there were two different Russian families there and being a
big ol' HOMO. I actually felt uneasy.  I know, I know.... but something clicked and I realized and thought of my grandmother and her hang up with Germans (she is a Holocaust survivor the only one from her family) I did not think these people would kill me or anything - though the women when I  encountered them were rude. But was I being over sensitive? Then I worried for my kids.  I watched them and worried what hardships they will encounter and have to endure and I felt bad for a second for them but then a request for "fishies" to snack on  brought me back to reality.

Lastly, hey I warned you this was a random post about my daily randomness .. Normally i have to mentally regurgitate this all right be for bed which makes it a BITCH to fall asleep.  some kids are just rude and I am 1000% sure it because they have dipsh** parents who are equally rude.  There were kids playing a brother/sister sibling set and they  were pushing kids and not taking turns. They were older and their mom was present for one incident and she just said to the kid who pushed a 2 year old .. "did you just push her why did you push her " and then NOTHING... no Sorry to the little girl no apology or look of shame to the mom to acknowledge here children are lil shits that she clearly has no control of these kids. Then there was the incident i was involved in where my kids were in line to use a trampoline and there was a kid in front of us who was just starting to jump.  I explained to my twins that we need to wait our turn and referenced a GABBA GABBA episode and here come sibling set who jump on trampoline so the mom of the lil girl who was just starting to jump said something but the kids kept jumping ( its one kid at a time  - unless your sibs) and they the lil shits did not get out and so I went a lil cray cray politely.  The kids just stared at me  and then i made a not nice face and they jumped off ...  I get  that you want MOM time at the play place and its ok if you sit out but check in  with your kids once in a while.

Ok, I feel better and boy can i use a drink.... that's a whole new blog topic.

- J

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Starving to Death but FOR LIFE!

Forgive me as i am trying to get back in to the swing of things .. moreover get back in to blogging and writing.  It was such an amazing outlet for me and I loved it.  I know many of you think I am a great writer - Whats wrong with you people? I do appreciate the compliments- which is very hard for me to take or accept.  My mother did teach me well and to say Thank You when complimented but i say thank you  but don't really believe in the compliment.   Which  brings me to my topic of today's blog.  The scariest thing I ever did and why.  

I have never been a ego kind of person and was never an over acheiver.  I could be the life of a party and also the class clown.  I am a people person for sure but I never felt the way about myself as other did.  Great smile someone would say ... and of course I smile and say thanks and then think ... why do people feel they need to make things up, or eh! there just saying that.  I'm not a LOW SELF ESTEEM type either.  I dont think I am UGLY or UNATTRACTIVE  but  I don't have a harem chasing me down and never really did.  Popular is not my status but being a loner isn't quite me either.  I like to have a few GOOD friends.   Funny how writing all this stuff I failed to mention that while I was in grade school and for most my life with the exception of the last three years I was MORBIDLY OBESE. 

At 12 I was whisked away to fat camp. My parents spent tons of money to send my 12 year old 135lb ass to FAT CAMP.  It was fun - probably the first time i realized I was a GAY and the 1st time I kissed a boy.  We had a special diet and serious pool time TREADING water and group therapy and all kinds of stuff.  It was so bad for some they would eat the sweet n low packages.  Sure I had the weight stigma all my life and I was always the chubby one or the thick one.  I did not binge, I did not eat cuz i was depressed and I was not molested or have some crazy trauma.  I know the shrink was amazed to when I had my eval.  I just ate because it was good and well it seemed as tho I could just continue eating and eating and there was never a cap or a stop and topping  was not attainable.  Weight watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, Illegal drugs, fad diet after fad diet , the taco bell diet ..i tried it all i would even wish I had cancer so I could get Chemo so that it would make me not hungry - sick right.   

  At 35 and a BMI of over 50 and  320 lbs - I decided it was time to do something about it. I looked in to different types of surgeries.  It was scary tho these surgeries were around for a while there was still a high mortality rate. Now I love me some medical stuff and have quite a medical fetish if you will  but i did not wanna really be a patient.   I knew people who knew people who died,  I knew people who knew people who did not die, I knew people who were success and who failed.  So, I researched and found a Dr and met with Dr and had all kinds of test and all kinds of evals

On November 22  2010 I  had  Roux-en-Y laparoscopic gastric bypass.  Gastric bypass surgery makes the stomach smaller and causes food to bypass part of the small intestine. You will feel full more quickly than when your stomach was its original size. My pouch which is what I call it is about the size of an egg.    Going under what the scariest thing I ever did. I never had major surgery and I was worried what if I wake up on the table and feel things or even worse I am going to be naked on the table and everyone can see me. Modesty is an understatement for me I guess.  I was so worried that I was not going to make it and I did everything  will wise and Durable power of attorney.  I said goodbye to my wife. It was crazy - I really did not think that I would be around let alone that I actually went through with it.  

The reason I did this was because I just kept getting bigger and bigger. No matter what i seemed to do i was not loosing weight and looking back I was huge.  I was unhealthy in a sense that I was obese but really all the test were coming back that i was A-OK .  The stress test was awesome the nurse told me she let me walk 20 extra min because I was doing so well.  Hooked up to a scuba mask and electrodes running on a treadmill at 320lbs and you just let me keep going lady?  She deemed me a healthy fat person.  The endoscopy test came back awesome and the psych eval came back 100% too. The therapist even said he was worried because he really cant believe I was not a emo eater or a binge eater and or molested.  No dude I just like to eat I love food.  Ironically I have become more food obsessed since i had the surgery constantly thinking I should not eat that or is this enough or what can i have ... before I did not think so much now i feel like every other thought is  food related.   Weird.  I had to do it because I was just getting bigger and bigger and I knew I wanted children and I wanted to be around for a wee bit longer on this planet.  It seemed it was the only way for me to go.  I feel like a cheater sometimes.  No 150 Lbs lighter I look completely different and have so much more energy that ever.  But with the surgery come some complications like I am starving to death but for life. Its a hard statement to understand to some but make sense to me.  I am very deficient vitamin wise ( i am such a bad pill taker cant remember to save my life) I have been sick more than ever due to a lowered immune system from starving.  Since my food is not digested in the stomach like most then most of my food is in the intestines and well there is not much absorption so that is how its works  the starving bit.  

So that was the scariest thing I ever did and in reflecting on it  its the best thing aside from my twin daughters I ever did.  

Starving to death but for life!

Almost at my largest. ( i'm the big one )

3 years post op and 150lb lighter a huge difference (i'm the one in black)

*** I have joined a snazzy group of amazing bloggers, where we do a weekly writing project. Todays project was on the "Scariest Thing I Ever Did - and Why I Did It."  Check these amazing women out  by following this link and read their responses.  These chicks blow me out of the water for sure and are AMAZING writers and are READ WORTHY for sure. Click on this Link to read them.