Thursday, September 26, 2013

All I can do is speak my truth

Today's topic is brought to you via a group of amazing blogger friends who are also writing on the same topic.  "10 things I know to be true.

The topic of "10 Things I know to be true " surely sounds as though it would be a relatively easy blog to produce. I should just sip my cup of coffee ( boy do I wish I had a cup of coffee) and just hammer away at the keyboard and TA_TA a blog post is born. WRONG... because I am a fence sitter and often like to see both sides of the story or both sides of the argument and because I am an empathetic fool this poses a HUGE problem for me.  Making a decision and sticking with it.   Yes, I am a flip flopper - I mean sure I can tell you what decision to make and 100% see your point of view and validate it even but for me, YEAH RIGHT!  

It was prolly with in the last month a friend or maybe she is a very good acquaintance (whats the difference really - SEE, I told you)  She uttered a few words while we were in a DEEP instant message conversation (so that's an acquaintance right ?) She said, " All I can do is speak my truth.  I was thwarted in to an twirly bo of emotion, hysterics and enlightenment.  OH MY GOD!!!! Best thing i have heard ever okay maybe not ever but right in that moment I think I had an AH-HA moment.  Its so true, i can only speak my truth and well to be real here i am a terrible liar.  So, I feel slightly connected to this topic. I also have the mind set that most people think that their busy is the busiest and they their emergency however big or small is a dire one.  This came to me while I was working as a 911 dispatcher.  People would call for such frivolousness and insignificant things but yet to them it was DIRE and EMERGENT.  No, someone stealing your Italian chocolate honey is not 911 worth but when I answered that phone I sure made you feel like it was one- and that is what was important.  

The 10 things I know to be true are.

1) We are each in control of our own happiness.  

There will be things that will be aggravating and mitigating to our happiness but ultimately its entirely with in us.  

2) I have the greatest CHIHUAHUA in the world.  

I am not  even a CHIHUAHUA fan ... He was a rescue dog and he is the most amazing dog ever.  People have walked up to me on teh street and offered me money for him. One lady wanted to give me $1000 for him because she wanted to bred him - UMM HE IS FIXED.... she said in her very latin accent "They have ways"  I was so angry.  Some other lady practically molested him on the street I felt like i was ripping him outta the hands of the cartoon character Elmyra Duff ( "I'm gonna hug you and kiss you and love you forever (and never use you up)" (while squeezing Furrball to death)

3) Two children can be raise by the same parents and they could not be more different.  

 its totally understandable and logical be cause we are each individuals but yet this terrifies me and intrigues me. I have a sister she is older.  I lover but did not always - we had our share of issues and carried on without lives with out each-other for 5 year.  We have nothing in common really other than we share some of the same genetic makeup.  We never really had the "sisterly bond" thing - Boy did I used to year for that so much.  We don't even really look alike ( yes, I have asked my parents often and still to thins day if they wanna tell me anything )  Really, we are so so so different and I am just perplexed. We had the same upbringing for the most part.  It goes something like this,  She is older and smarter( book smart) and got away with murder (from my point of view) She is an attorney and very established and has a wonderful life for herself, lives in Miami sends her kids to the best schools has a Nanny - Living the Dream ... Me I'm smart(ish) and have street smarts some book smarts but not an attorney  and dont have much to show and struggle often with things but I am happy and Ok with my life. My kids will not go to the crem de la crem camps or school and the YMCA if it were close would be where its at.  I am hippy- ish with a conservative undertone and she is a conservative - we just could not b any more different  and it just blows me away on how we are so so different. I dont think that we should be the same but seeing as we are sisters I would expect there to be some MINUTE similarities.  NADA.  OK maybe #3 was a stretch and should not really count as a 10 things .. I dunno ...

4) I never felt more proud or joy than I did when I had my twins.  
Now my twins are not biologically mine as my wife carried them. I dont know why sometimes i feel i need to disclose this as they are just as much my children as hers - I just paid for them and picked out the Donor Sperm to help make them.  I had major issues and hang ups about being the "other mother" i loathe that term.  I was reading everything I could about bonding and justifying my feeling of what if these babies hate me or what if the ... you name it. As soon a the DR. sliced my wife open and pulled out that squishy bloody tiny lil bundle of - Its a GIRL ( we did not know the sex of our babies ) I immediately felt something I have never felt in my life - PRIDE and JOY and man its still going strong outta all the crazy, dumb, good and bad things I have done in my life THEY WERE SO THE PERFECT THING.  I still say they are the only thing I have done RIGHT in my life - Yes, come back when they are 16 and we reevaluate this ... for sure...  Man, I still feel such a sense of pride and joy when i look at them and don't ever want that to go away- Its is the most amazing feeling ever and I had no CLUE !!

5) I am 150% my own worse enemy- my own worse critic. You would think since I know it and understand it that I would be able to change or help myself. NO- NO EVER! Why? This is so perplexing to me.  Its so horrible that I cant even elaborate or go on because I already wanna toss this entire post and start a new.  Its not perfection but i convince myself its and its SOOOOOOOOO not perfection. I am flawed and damaged. I just read a few other bloggers post and now i feel i need to elaborate on this topic more because apparently I did this 10 things wrong.  My topics are all over the map and very spazzish ( just like me at times). Sorry !!! I also apologize for everything !!!

6) I have this sort of intuitiveness.  

My wife thinks I'm just super judgmental to which I say aren't we all to some point.  I have a very good sense of peoples character.  Not necessarily clairvoyant- I just meet a person and usually with in my first meeting i can tell a lot about them and typically I am right.   It was back in 2005 I was living in Hayward, California with my wife but we were not married then. I had a friend who was in my program in college ( Studied Criminal Justice) and she was going to house sit while we traveled and watch our cat.  Cool - except she said my boyfriend will be staying with me ..... it just did not sit right ... so i asked to meet him.  I was a intern for the Alameda County Sheriffs Department Coroners Bureau and i dressed up in my uniform and they came over and I just could tell ... So - I told him I was applying for lots of Law Enforcement agencies and they are doing surveillance  so there will be unmarked cars and taped phones.  He immediately got super nervous and shaky and TA_DA said he was on parole.... Then when they left  my wife was like how did you know.  I am usually right! The last time I was going to prove it to her required me to ask a guy if he was on Parole.. but she was to afraid. People do feel like they connect with me and typically tell me lots of things and share - I get that a lot that I am easy to talk to and people just tell all.

7) I wear my heart on my sleeve and will give the shirt off my back
 I'm a YES man!  This is SO, Sad because it lays way for me to be an easy target to unscrupulous people - Which you would think if i have such intuition as #6 CLEARLY POINTS OUT- then how do I get burned.  I Do, I always DO and yet burns and all I am still standing and such a schmuck because I will ask you if you need help again.  I'm a pretty loyal friend and sadly this ability/defect of wearing my heart on my sleeve often leaves me with such disappointment in people.  Common courtesy has been lost and just overall genuinity ( i think i made up a word).  

8)  Life is tough- but I don't expect it to be easy it just seems like I'm a magnet for the less easy path.  I'm having the hardest time of my life right now. I am empathetic but for some reason there is a major block for this issue.    I am going through some major major CRAPOLA with ( ack I cant say but so badly want to )  It has to do with Alcoholism.  I'm not an alcoholic but I am now dealing with one and man I am so angry it comes and goes. I go to Alanon like I am supposed to  but I hear them talk of "my sickness" and  come on people we are not the ones with the problem. I am not a very spiritual person hate that I have to go to a church ( i'm Jewish but a cultural jew if you will)  I do get the feeling a weight has been lifted off my shoulders when I go but ... i was never controlling or a second guesser or need to knower untill i had an alcoholic in my life.  I dont see it as a disease maybe that is my problem... a disease is Cancer, Aids,  people don't go out and seek these- I know I get lots of back lash for my thought on this. BUT HEY  NO ONE TOLD YOU TO PICK UP THE BOTTLE or 5 AND DRINK THEM ALL.... UGG.. i feel betrayed, heartbroken, mad, sad and every other emotion you could possibly imagine. SO, I am in a not so  great place right ow and really have no clue what to do and really trying to bounce back but find it exceptionally hard.   OK were getting serious here... I'm drowning and damn it I could use a @#$%^& Drink - ( how does that work ) 

9)  Veggies dont equal healthy.  

I was a vegetarian for  21 years and the two things i craved but never ate were HOT DOGS and a western bacon cheeseburgers.  I now eat meat due to my gastric bypass and well Hot dog on a grill Hebrew national are so good.  I have yet to go for the Western Bacon Cheeseburger. I just cant.  Sometimes I do get a lil grossed out when eating certain things.  I'm a 90% pescatarian ( eat seafood)

10) Ice Cream can often make it all better - for the moment

  I really want some chocolate brownie ice cream on a yummy waffle cone. Right now !!

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Not In My House

The  writing prompt  for today is, words that are off-limits in your house.  This is that super awesome  blogging group I mention in the last post.  

When I was a wee one myself I recall not being able to ever say shut-up.  I mean shut -up is not even that bad, is it?  Growing up my parents were not super strict but there was definitely a whole other level of respect than what i see families have today or even my family. Okay my kids are TWO but I know my Wife does not command that kind of respect. I on the other hand am more of the authoritarian of the family and i like to think I run a tight ship and am on top of things and have my own shit together. I like to think that I am pretty scheduled but the reality is I have twins and so my vision of the aforementioned may not 100% coincide with the actual act of the aforementioned.  My father is not native to this country and had a very strict upbringing.  There was not much love in my fathers family.  My mother well,  I think her and her sisters were seen as princesses so I don't think there was much in the way of respect like my fathers family.  Their dynamic is quite amazing.  My Grandparents I don't think even loved each-other they were just placed in DP camps ( displaced persons) after WWII and both lost their entire family.  My Grandmother  basically said to my Grandfather who was 20 years older, " look we have no one and we should get married so we have each-other ... he reluctantly obliged and then  after being married she said well I need to have children.  Which he also reluctantly obliged and thus my father was born.  Then my grandmother said he needs a play mate and convince my grandfather to have one more child. But growing up they did not really utter the word love everything was done out of fear and RESPECT, Anyhow its prolly way off topic and can be its entirely own blog.  

The words in our house hold that will be off limits will probably be stupid and using Gay pejoratively.  Its really hard to do this because they are two and even at two I allow them freedom to say things.  I have a major potty mouth, I speak like a real trucker... and I dont really sensor myself around my kids but do so around other kids. Oddly.   I actually taught my girls during Gay Pride to say  Yay, Gay Pride - GO HOMOS... terrible right?  But for our NORMAL its ok but reality is in the world if they say GO HOMO it will be frowned upon.  I spoke briefly to my wife about this and the 1st word out of her mouth was also STUPID.  I would prefer they not use the C word  and my wife expressed her distaste for  Bitch.  I think at this point its just really hard  to imagine them saying anything bad.  I will also add in our household we speak English but use lots of words  in Yiddish and Hebrew and  Polish and Hungarian... all the bad things I learned in other languages. So that is quite comical to hear my children refer to their vagina in another language which I know what it is but others really have no clue.  

I would like to remove the words UGLY, and FAT but the girls will hear all kinds of stuff from the outside world and I will explain when the appropriate time is to use the words and when its not ok.  Right now, at two years ols , as you can see from the picture on the left  I would really like to remove the word NO.  They say it with such conviction and meaning and power,  its comical (see photo of No to the left ) and I am glad they said YES, way be for no reared its head ( patting myself on the back).  

Check out what other bloggers are saying their off limit words are and you may wanna add some to your list.  

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Random acts of Randomess

As you can tell I am diligently trying to get back in the type of things with this blogging.  A internet blog mishap has made me weary and well the twin went from one year olds to Two year old and somewhere in between my wife and I were simultaneously laid off ans had some MAJOR relationship strife.  Somewhere along all that I feel i may have lost my mind or just small chunks of it .. because I can remember anything ??? My wife swears it was my 1 year stent working graveyards while trying to be a 911 dispatcher.  I dont know exactly but a lot of it is a blur.  Anyhow, i am trying to re-animate my blogging skills. Most of you you know I can TALK, Talk, Talk ... and go on.

Today, I was watching the girls play at one of their favorite indoor play place and a few thing happened.  One was I realized I was a tad TAD bit sad as I watched all the Mommies have their play dates and they sa and talked and many had new babies. For a second I felt sad/bad because I don't have that type of friend ships with people. I want it, but people just seem to disappoint me most of the time.  I am not a loner or a looser but my kids don't have a present "Antie" and I am not "Antie" to anyone and this kid of bums me out.
I'm super friendly and very open  and loyal but yet i just don't have friends in that capacity.   I am pretty butch looking and maybe that has something to do with it I dunno.

The next thing that happens was that there were two different Russian families there and being a
big ol' HOMO. I actually felt uneasy.  I know, I know.... but something clicked and I realized and thought of my grandmother and her hang up with Germans (she is a Holocaust survivor the only one from her family) I did not think these people would kill me or anything - though the women when I  encountered them were rude. But was I being over sensitive? Then I worried for my kids.  I watched them and worried what hardships they will encounter and have to endure and I felt bad for a second for them but then a request for "fishies" to snack on  brought me back to reality.

Lastly, hey I warned you this was a random post about my daily randomness .. Normally i have to mentally regurgitate this all right be for bed which makes it a BITCH to fall asleep.  some kids are just rude and I am 1000% sure it because they have dipsh** parents who are equally rude.  There were kids playing a brother/sister sibling set and they  were pushing kids and not taking turns. They were older and their mom was present for one incident and she just said to the kid who pushed a 2 year old .. "did you just push her why did you push her " and then NOTHING... no Sorry to the little girl no apology or look of shame to the mom to acknowledge here children are lil shits that she clearly has no control of these kids. Then there was the incident i was involved in where my kids were in line to use a trampoline and there was a kid in front of us who was just starting to jump.  I explained to my twins that we need to wait our turn and referenced a GABBA GABBA episode and here come sibling set who jump on trampoline so the mom of the lil girl who was just starting to jump said something but the kids kept jumping ( its one kid at a time  - unless your sibs) and they the lil shits did not get out and so I went a lil cray cray politely.  The kids just stared at me  and then i made a not nice face and they jumped off ...  I get  that you want MOM time at the play place and its ok if you sit out but check in  with your kids once in a while.

Ok, I feel better and boy can i use a drink.... that's a whole new blog topic.

- J

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Starving to Death but FOR LIFE!

Forgive me as i am trying to get back in to the swing of things .. moreover get back in to blogging and writing.  It was such an amazing outlet for me and I loved it.  I know many of you think I am a great writer - Whats wrong with you people? I do appreciate the compliments- which is very hard for me to take or accept.  My mother did teach me well and to say Thank You when complimented but i say thank you  but don't really believe in the compliment.   Which  brings me to my topic of today's blog.  The scariest thing I ever did and why.  

I have never been a ego kind of person and was never an over acheiver.  I could be the life of a party and also the class clown.  I am a people person for sure but I never felt the way about myself as other did.  Great smile someone would say ... and of course I smile and say thanks and then think ... why do people feel they need to make things up, or eh! there just saying that.  I'm not a LOW SELF ESTEEM type either.  I dont think I am UGLY or UNATTRACTIVE  but  I don't have a harem chasing me down and never really did.  Popular is not my status but being a loner isn't quite me either.  I like to have a few GOOD friends.   Funny how writing all this stuff I failed to mention that while I was in grade school and for most my life with the exception of the last three years I was MORBIDLY OBESE. 

At 12 I was whisked away to fat camp. My parents spent tons of money to send my 12 year old 135lb ass to FAT CAMP.  It was fun - probably the first time i realized I was a GAY and the 1st time I kissed a boy.  We had a special diet and serious pool time TREADING water and group therapy and all kinds of stuff.  It was so bad for some they would eat the sweet n low packages.  Sure I had the weight stigma all my life and I was always the chubby one or the thick one.  I did not binge, I did not eat cuz i was depressed and I was not molested or have some crazy trauma.  I know the shrink was amazed to when I had my eval.  I just ate because it was good and well it seemed as tho I could just continue eating and eating and there was never a cap or a stop and topping  was not attainable.  Weight watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, Illegal drugs, fad diet after fad diet , the taco bell diet ..i tried it all i would even wish I had cancer so I could get Chemo so that it would make me not hungry - sick right.   

  At 35 and a BMI of over 50 and  320 lbs - I decided it was time to do something about it. I looked in to different types of surgeries.  It was scary tho these surgeries were around for a while there was still a high mortality rate. Now I love me some medical stuff and have quite a medical fetish if you will  but i did not wanna really be a patient.   I knew people who knew people who died,  I knew people who knew people who did not die, I knew people who were success and who failed.  So, I researched and found a Dr and met with Dr and had all kinds of test and all kinds of evals

On November 22  2010 I  had  Roux-en-Y laparoscopic gastric bypass.  Gastric bypass surgery makes the stomach smaller and causes food to bypass part of the small intestine. You will feel full more quickly than when your stomach was its original size. My pouch which is what I call it is about the size of an egg.    Going under what the scariest thing I ever did. I never had major surgery and I was worried what if I wake up on the table and feel things or even worse I am going to be naked on the table and everyone can see me. Modesty is an understatement for me I guess.  I was so worried that I was not going to make it and I did everything  will wise and Durable power of attorney.  I said goodbye to my wife. It was crazy - I really did not think that I would be around let alone that I actually went through with it.  

The reason I did this was because I just kept getting bigger and bigger. No matter what i seemed to do i was not loosing weight and looking back I was huge.  I was unhealthy in a sense that I was obese but really all the test were coming back that i was A-OK .  The stress test was awesome the nurse told me she let me walk 20 extra min because I was doing so well.  Hooked up to a scuba mask and electrodes running on a treadmill at 320lbs and you just let me keep going lady?  She deemed me a healthy fat person.  The endoscopy test came back awesome and the psych eval came back 100% too. The therapist even said he was worried because he really cant believe I was not a emo eater or a binge eater and or molested.  No dude I just like to eat I love food.  Ironically I have become more food obsessed since i had the surgery constantly thinking I should not eat that or is this enough or what can i have ... before I did not think so much now i feel like every other thought is  food related.   Weird.  I had to do it because I was just getting bigger and bigger and I knew I wanted children and I wanted to be around for a wee bit longer on this planet.  It seemed it was the only way for me to go.  I feel like a cheater sometimes.  No 150 Lbs lighter I look completely different and have so much more energy that ever.  But with the surgery come some complications like I am starving to death but for life. Its a hard statement to understand to some but make sense to me.  I am very deficient vitamin wise ( i am such a bad pill taker cant remember to save my life) I have been sick more than ever due to a lowered immune system from starving.  Since my food is not digested in the stomach like most then most of my food is in the intestines and well there is not much absorption so that is how its works  the starving bit.  

So that was the scariest thing I ever did and in reflecting on it  its the best thing aside from my twin daughters I ever did.  

Starving to death but for life!

Almost at my largest. ( i'm the big one )

3 years post op and 150lb lighter a huge difference (i'm the one in black)

*** I have joined a snazzy group of amazing bloggers, where we do a weekly writing project. Todays project was on the "Scariest Thing I Ever Did - and Why I Did It."  Check these amazing women out  by following this link and read their responses.  These chicks blow me out of the water for sure and are AMAZING writers and are READ WORTHY for sure. Click on this Link to read them.