Thursday, September 26, 2013

All I can do is speak my truth

Today's topic is brought to you via a group of amazing blogger friends who are also writing on the same topic.  "10 things I know to be true.

The topic of "10 Things I know to be true " surely sounds as though it would be a relatively easy blog to produce. I should just sip my cup of coffee ( boy do I wish I had a cup of coffee) and just hammer away at the keyboard and TA_TA a blog post is born. WRONG... because I am a fence sitter and often like to see both sides of the story or both sides of the argument and because I am an empathetic fool this poses a HUGE problem for me.  Making a decision and sticking with it.   Yes, I am a flip flopper - I mean sure I can tell you what decision to make and 100% see your point of view and validate it even but for me, YEAH RIGHT!  

It was prolly with in the last month a friend or maybe she is a very good acquaintance (whats the difference really - SEE, I told you)  She uttered a few words while we were in a DEEP instant message conversation (so that's an acquaintance right ?) She said, " All I can do is speak my truth.  I was thwarted in to an twirly bo of emotion, hysterics and enlightenment.  OH MY GOD!!!! Best thing i have heard ever okay maybe not ever but right in that moment I think I had an AH-HA moment.  Its so true, i can only speak my truth and well to be real here i am a terrible liar.  So, I feel slightly connected to this topic. I also have the mind set that most people think that their busy is the busiest and they their emergency however big or small is a dire one.  This came to me while I was working as a 911 dispatcher.  People would call for such frivolousness and insignificant things but yet to them it was DIRE and EMERGENT.  No, someone stealing your Italian chocolate honey is not 911 worth but when I answered that phone I sure made you feel like it was one- and that is what was important.  

The 10 things I know to be true are.

1) We are each in control of our own happiness.  

There will be things that will be aggravating and mitigating to our happiness but ultimately its entirely with in us.  

2) I have the greatest CHIHUAHUA in the world.  

I am not  even a CHIHUAHUA fan ... He was a rescue dog and he is the most amazing dog ever.  People have walked up to me on teh street and offered me money for him. One lady wanted to give me $1000 for him because she wanted to bred him - UMM HE IS FIXED.... she said in her very latin accent "They have ways"  I was so angry.  Some other lady practically molested him on the street I felt like i was ripping him outta the hands of the cartoon character Elmyra Duff ( "I'm gonna hug you and kiss you and love you forever (and never use you up)" (while squeezing Furrball to death)

3) Two children can be raise by the same parents and they could not be more different.  

 its totally understandable and logical be cause we are each individuals but yet this terrifies me and intrigues me. I have a sister she is older.  I lover but did not always - we had our share of issues and carried on without lives with out each-other for 5 year.  We have nothing in common really other than we share some of the same genetic makeup.  We never really had the "sisterly bond" thing - Boy did I used to year for that so much.  We don't even really look alike ( yes, I have asked my parents often and still to thins day if they wanna tell me anything )  Really, we are so so so different and I am just perplexed. We had the same upbringing for the most part.  It goes something like this,  She is older and smarter( book smart) and got away with murder (from my point of view) She is an attorney and very established and has a wonderful life for herself, lives in Miami sends her kids to the best schools has a Nanny - Living the Dream ... Me I'm smart(ish) and have street smarts some book smarts but not an attorney  and dont have much to show and struggle often with things but I am happy and Ok with my life. My kids will not go to the crem de la crem camps or school and the YMCA if it were close would be where its at.  I am hippy- ish with a conservative undertone and she is a conservative - we just could not b any more different  and it just blows me away on how we are so so different. I dont think that we should be the same but seeing as we are sisters I would expect there to be some MINUTE similarities.  NADA.  OK maybe #3 was a stretch and should not really count as a 10 things .. I dunno ...

4) I never felt more proud or joy than I did when I had my twins.  
Now my twins are not biologically mine as my wife carried them. I dont know why sometimes i feel i need to disclose this as they are just as much my children as hers - I just paid for them and picked out the Donor Sperm to help make them.  I had major issues and hang ups about being the "other mother" i loathe that term.  I was reading everything I could about bonding and justifying my feeling of what if these babies hate me or what if the ... you name it. As soon a the DR. sliced my wife open and pulled out that squishy bloody tiny lil bundle of - Its a GIRL ( we did not know the sex of our babies ) I immediately felt something I have never felt in my life - PRIDE and JOY and man its still going strong outta all the crazy, dumb, good and bad things I have done in my life THEY WERE SO THE PERFECT THING.  I still say they are the only thing I have done RIGHT in my life - Yes, come back when they are 16 and we reevaluate this ... for sure...  Man, I still feel such a sense of pride and joy when i look at them and don't ever want that to go away- Its is the most amazing feeling ever and I had no CLUE !!

5) I am 150% my own worse enemy- my own worse critic. You would think since I know it and understand it that I would be able to change or help myself. NO- NO EVER! Why? This is so perplexing to me.  Its so horrible that I cant even elaborate or go on because I already wanna toss this entire post and start a new.  Its not perfection but i convince myself its and its SOOOOOOOOO not perfection. I am flawed and damaged. I just read a few other bloggers post and now i feel i need to elaborate on this topic more because apparently I did this 10 things wrong.  My topics are all over the map and very spazzish ( just like me at times). Sorry !!! I also apologize for everything !!!

6) I have this sort of intuitiveness.  

My wife thinks I'm just super judgmental to which I say aren't we all to some point.  I have a very good sense of peoples character.  Not necessarily clairvoyant- I just meet a person and usually with in my first meeting i can tell a lot about them and typically I am right.   It was back in 2005 I was living in Hayward, California with my wife but we were not married then. I had a friend who was in my program in college ( Studied Criminal Justice) and she was going to house sit while we traveled and watch our cat.  Cool - except she said my boyfriend will be staying with me ..... it just did not sit right ... so i asked to meet him.  I was a intern for the Alameda County Sheriffs Department Coroners Bureau and i dressed up in my uniform and they came over and I just could tell ... So - I told him I was applying for lots of Law Enforcement agencies and they are doing surveillance  so there will be unmarked cars and taped phones.  He immediately got super nervous and shaky and TA_DA said he was on parole.... Then when they left  my wife was like how did you know.  I am usually right! The last time I was going to prove it to her required me to ask a guy if he was on Parole.. but she was to afraid. People do feel like they connect with me and typically tell me lots of things and share - I get that a lot that I am easy to talk to and people just tell all.

7) I wear my heart on my sleeve and will give the shirt off my back
 I'm a YES man!  This is SO, Sad because it lays way for me to be an easy target to unscrupulous people - Which you would think if i have such intuition as #6 CLEARLY POINTS OUT- then how do I get burned.  I Do, I always DO and yet burns and all I am still standing and such a schmuck because I will ask you if you need help again.  I'm a pretty loyal friend and sadly this ability/defect of wearing my heart on my sleeve often leaves me with such disappointment in people.  Common courtesy has been lost and just overall genuinity ( i think i made up a word).  

8)  Life is tough- but I don't expect it to be easy it just seems like I'm a magnet for the less easy path.  I'm having the hardest time of my life right now. I am empathetic but for some reason there is a major block for this issue.    I am going through some major major CRAPOLA with ( ack I cant say but so badly want to )  It has to do with Alcoholism.  I'm not an alcoholic but I am now dealing with one and man I am so angry it comes and goes. I go to Alanon like I am supposed to  but I hear them talk of "my sickness" and  come on people we are not the ones with the problem. I am not a very spiritual person hate that I have to go to a church ( i'm Jewish but a cultural jew if you will)  I do get the feeling a weight has been lifted off my shoulders when I go but ... i was never controlling or a second guesser or need to knower untill i had an alcoholic in my life.  I dont see it as a disease maybe that is my problem... a disease is Cancer, Aids,  people don't go out and seek these- I know I get lots of back lash for my thought on this. BUT HEY  NO ONE TOLD YOU TO PICK UP THE BOTTLE or 5 AND DRINK THEM ALL.... UGG.. i feel betrayed, heartbroken, mad, sad and every other emotion you could possibly imagine. SO, I am in a not so  great place right ow and really have no clue what to do and really trying to bounce back but find it exceptionally hard.   OK were getting serious here... I'm drowning and damn it I could use a @#$%^& Drink - ( how does that work ) 

9)  Veggies dont equal healthy.  

I was a vegetarian for  21 years and the two things i craved but never ate were HOT DOGS and a western bacon cheeseburgers.  I now eat meat due to my gastric bypass and well Hot dog on a grill Hebrew national are so good.  I have yet to go for the Western Bacon Cheeseburger. I just cant.  Sometimes I do get a lil grossed out when eating certain things.  I'm a 90% pescatarian ( eat seafood)

10) Ice Cream can often make it all better - for the moment

  I really want some chocolate brownie ice cream on a yummy waffle cone. Right now !!


  1. You are 100% right about the ice cream! Love the post.

  2. Love your honesty in #8, I think you said what a lot of us feel in other difficult areas of life (that are no fault of our own). Sounds like you are on a path though, hard as it may be, it's probably easier to stick to that path, the one that leads you to those church hosted ALANON meetings than to wander off the trail. Good post!